Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Some thoughts on the question of ex-partners and friendships


Well first off people need to know that Chester and I are not partners anymore.  He told me a couple of days ago that he needed space, and it turned into our dissolving the partnership and him moving out.  Oh well, but I am still his friend and wish him the best - I hope he continues to do well and to be happy.

That led me to thinking.

People wonder sometimes about what happens when someone you love cannot, for some reason, be your partner or your spouse any longer.  This is a common problem in Second Life, where relationships don't always last. 

And friends and family also rush to the aid of one or the other partner, and so animosities build up.  This is not good.  Ugly breakups are just that - Ugly. We should try to keep them from being that.

Sure, when our feelings are hurt, we sometimes take pleasure in seeing or hearing those close to us challenge the person who is hurting us.  Sometimes those hurts are horrid, and intentional.  Sometimes they are unavoidable.  Sometimes they are just a personal sadness that things didn't work out.

In the midst of it we are not very clear.  We forget in those moments sometimes why we partnered in the first place.  Hurt gets in the way.  Or the pain of having to do a hard thing.

I have had two ex-partners.  One was formally a partner, one not.  One was with me for two intense and wonderful weeks, and one for 8 months of excitement and pleasure.  When each relationship broke up I was devastated.  I couldn't believe I would survive, and my family and friends had all they could do to hold me together.

They are both two of my most important people now - both of them people I love and cherish and would never want to hurt or see hurt.  Interesting - no one knows you like an ex-lover.  No one has the key to your heart in the same way.

Esmie was my first love in SL, and he is my best friend now.  When we split up I truly thought I would die.  I was so shattered.  I love Esmie now - I couldn't possibly live my life without him.  He is there to pick me up when I stumble.  He is there to hold my head when it hurts.  I love him, I love his partner Nicho, I love them both together.  Without Esmie I would be lost.

Micah was my second love.  I lived and breathed Micah for 8 months.  When Micah left I was so depressed that it was all I could do to breathe.  My friends and family all held me together and slowly I was able to work it through.  And in the end, I can say truthfully that I love Micah more than ever now, but in a different way.  He is there for me and I am there for him.  The love between us is stronger.  I would be lost without him too.

In this most recent time, my family has gathered round me and I am so grateful and feel so fortunate to have them. 

Mak and Simon - my SL brother and my brother-in-law - or my two brothers - are there with their arms around me in good times and in bad.  Where would I be without Simon and Mak - lost somewhere wandering.  Kat - my adopted SL mom - never fails to love me and to guide me.  Nicho and Esmie fly to my side, and care about and for me without stopping, and Micah holds my well being in his heart and is there when i am down- lifting me up. 

Mak and Simon, Kat, Esmie and Nicho, and Micah - they have formed the bedrock of my support - they love me and I love them, and they are allowed to yell at me when I am stupid and to hold me when I hurt, and they all do it with love and caring that is amazing.  I love them all, and couldn't live without them.  They keep me sane.

We learn from these experiences.  And we grow from them too, and the hurting doesn't last forever, even though we think it will.

That's all I can think of to say at the moment.  I am still more or less in the middle of my feelings about this.  But I wanted to let you all know. 

Chesie and I are friends now.  And over time I hope he will be as close to me as Esmie and Micah are - when the dust settles and when we both realize that love doesn't stop, it just changes.


Kaj said...

Aww Gabe, I'm so sorry to hear about what happened. I know we're not really close but I do consider you a friend, if I can do anything please let me know. I know what you mean about ex-partners though, I feel about Roach how you describe how you feel about Micah. He's been there for me through think and thin, he's held me while dancing and I've been able to unload on him. I care for Roach more than ever and I'm sure I always will. He means the world to me. Hang in there Gabe. *hugs*

Osayo said...

"love doesn't stop, it just changes"

So much meaning in so few words.

It sounds like you have an amazing support system. I wish you the best during this time of transition.